When 2 Become 1 - 1 Doesn't Get Lost!

3 minute read

Relationships work well, when there are healthy people connecting together, with their own sense of personhood and identity intact.

If one person in a relationship feels as though they are lost, unseen, powerless or without equality, the relationship will not have the necessary glue to thrive.

Boundaries, (or we could say ‘healthy internal structures’) are about protecting love and identity, the defining of who I am and welcoming the definition of the other.

 A healthy relationship:

• Has room for both parties to express themselves without fear of losing love or being criticised.

• Has empathy where both parties hear and feel each other.

• Can listen deeply and can ask directly for what they want.

• Champions the cause and encourages the gifts of the other to emerge.

• Seeks to support healthy choices that will bring benefit to that one and to those around them.

• Refuses to enable unhealthy choices that will bring harm to that one and to those around them.

• Is self-controlled, not in control of the other.

• Does not have a one up/ one down, parent/child relationship between adults.

If we recognise that our relationships are not healthy, rather than expecting the other to change, it is important to know that health first starts with changing and repositioning me.

Also… that when I change me, I have also changed the system of how things used to work before, and the relationship will need to rebalance.

If we are seeking to change another person we will not succeed and if we find ourselves in a relationship where our own freedom and growth is not allowed, please seek professional help and do not confront abuse alone .

The book, ‘Boundaries’ by Cloud and Townsend ,October 3rd 2017…

… helpfully, unpacks this topic for us.